Attachment work in Therapy
Attachment theory proposes that our early interactions with caregivers shape the quality of our attachments with others & subsequently become the foundation for later personality development. When we have access to reliable & consistent connection with our caregivers, our nervous system becomes less sensitive to threat and we are able to perceive the world as relatively safe. Navigating the world from a place of safety, we are confident in expressing our needs & have a higher capacity for connection, exploration, self-trust, and creativity.
When our attachment figures are emotionally and/or physically unavailable, we are more likely to perceive the world as dangerous, feel helpless, and develop insecure attachment tendencies that can manifest as anxiety and/or avoidance. In the absence of secure attachment, anxious and avoidant behaviors serve the same purpose: they help us cope with the experience of insecurity triggered by threats of loss, abandonment, and isolation. While these coping strategies make sense in context of earlier experiences, we begin to realize that the protective mechanisms that once helped us are no longer effective, and may be blocking us from meaningful connection.
There are three attachment styles considered insecure: 1) anxious-preoccupied, 2) avoidant-dismissive, and 3) avoidant-fearful. It’s important to stress that attachment styles are not deterministic; our attachment style can shift from insecure to secure through corrective experience, and this can happen in adulthood. Most individuals have a dominant attachment style.
1) Individuals who fall into the anxious-preoccupied category are highly sensitive to any perceived signs of rejection, struggle with feelings of unworthiness, and fear abandonment. They engage in “activating strategies” to encourage closeness/intimacy and may become overly preoccupied with the relationship, navigating from a place of “I want more from this relationship with you”. If someone who is anxiously attached does not receive reassurance of safety in the relationship, hyper-vigilance & emotional reactivity may occur. Unfortunately, the anxiously attached may be unable to recognize safety even when the relationship is relatively safe. Additionally, adults with anxious-preoccupied attachment may prioritize others’ needs over their own and rely heavily on others to manage their hyper-arousal.
2) Individuals who fall under the avoidant-dismissive category use “deactivating strategies” to protect themselves from feelings of shame, and to maintain a sense of independence, mistakenly believing that intimacy equates to loss of self. This can lead to a dismissal of the value of intimacy, navigating from a place of “I can take care of myself”. Examples of deactivating strategies include: focusing on imperfections in their partner, avoiding eye contact, pulling away when intimacy increases, and avoiding conversations about the direction of the relationship. Individuals in this category may have difficulty accepting/offering help, become easily overwhelmed by others’ relational needs, and shut down when perceiving any form of conflict. For the avoidant-dismissive, thinking overrides emotions/body sensations, leading to a disconnection between inward feelings and outward behaviors. Despite experiencing nervous system activation when this attachment system is triggered, outward responses often fall on the freeze spectrum (withdrawal, lack of expression).
3) Individuals who fall under the avoidant-fearful category engage in both activating and deactivating strategies. They desire intimacy and closeness, and simultaneously fear that others are untrustworthy and unreliable. This can lead to a push/pull dynamic within relationships, causing confusion and distress on both ends.
Interestingly, anxious individuals often seek out avoidant partners as it reaffirms their belief of unworthiness and actualizes their fear of rejection. Conversely, it confirms for the avoidant partner that they are independent in comparison to their partner. Dr. Dan Siegel, who studies attachment and interpersonal neurobiology, talks about how we “create our own worst nightmare” by continuing to engage in the attachment strategies that once kept us safe. For example, avoidant individuals dismiss the value of intimacy; by keeping everyone at arm’s length through distancing strategies, partners consequently learn to seek support elsewhere and rely less on the relationship for emotional intimacy. For the anxious individual, their strong fear of abandonment leads to reactive behaviors and/or tactics that can in fact cause the other person to pull away and/or leave.
So, when we think about doing attachment work in therapy, the hope is that we can shed light on your unique attachment tendencies, explore the origin of your coping mechanisms, & begin to practice showing up differently in relationships (including the therapeutic relationship).
(possible) therapy goals for individuals experiencing anxious attachment tendencies:
-learn to identify your unique triggers for relational anxiety
-learn how to explore your own responses, rather than immediately focus on others’ motives
-learn how to self-regulate when triggers occur and rely less heavily on others for reassurance/soothing
-learn how to express your needs for intimacy and availability effectively
-learn how to develop healthy boundaries with partner
-process past experiences that may have contributed to sense of unworthiness & fear of abandonment
-learn how to narrate your past relational history from a coherent, secure perspective
(possible) therapy goals for individuals experiencing avoidant attachment tendencies:
-learn how to de-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support
-learn how to express your need for space effectively & access feelings of love for your partner
-begin to challenge yourself to offer help and accept help from others
-learn how to create opportunities for emotional intimacy
-learn how to verbalize emotions & identify solutions during conflict (rather than withdraw)
-learn to identify when you’re projecting (they aren’t attractive enough, intelligent enough, etc)
-process past experiences that may have contributed to the devaluation of intimacy
-learn how to narrate your past relational history from a coherent, secure perspective
In a healthy dynamic, distance and autonomy are compatible with closeness and reliance. When we navigate relationships from a secure place, we believe at our core that we are worthy of love and that people are capable of meeting our needs. We strive for interdependence; we maintain our sense of self & also reap the benefits of mutual reliance.
If you are interested in doing attachment work with me, feel free to contact me.